I am Jonah...

I am Jonah....

But I am not ashamed about it. 

I leave for New York in 45 minutes. I am running to God instead of running away. Today, a dear friend, no, a sister in Christ, prayed over me. And everything that I have feared about this trip was spoken. A fear of the burdens placed upon my heart. A fear of the trip in general. My dear sister spoke words of truth over me. 

Did I mention I hate prayer? I'm not an emotional person, but somehow, prayer always changes that. I hate prayer, and I love it with everything I've got...all at the same time.  One thing that confuses me about prayer is how two words seem to keep popping up in my life...but what do they mean? Honesty and joy have been coming up a lot lately. Why? 

New York, you better watch out. Because I'm coming. And with God on my side, there is nothing but beauty in that. 

Lying Awake....

4 days left until New York....

I can't sleep. 

So, I find a poem about sleepless nights online....

.....

Good stuff.

Sleepless Night 

By Tiziano Thomas Dossena

A sleepless night

Spent struggling 

Through the meanders of my mind

In endless explorations. 

Innumerable considerations

Scattered around

As stars in the sky

None with enough light

Of its own

But adaptable

In their interconnection

To show me the way.

The harmony of the universe 

Confined for a moment

In the boundaries of my head

Explodes in its beauty.

The thirst for knowledge

Has kneeled 

At my need of sensations. 

Bittersweet memories

Erase all the powerful thoughts

Leaving a proven soul

Sighing in an exhausted body.

The dread of the night 

Has subsided

And a sudden warmth

Has overtaken me.

While the first sunbeam

Sneaks through the window

I remember how to sleep.

New York Here I Come!

I leave for New York in less than a week. I'm excited, terrified, nervous, and who knows what else. None of my close friends are coming with me; I applied as a step of faith. A step of telling God that I trust Him (no matter what happens in my life). A step of walking out of my own personal comfort zone. A step of breaking free from my family. 

When I applied, I was confident. Now, not so much. I'm scared. I'm most likely going to be uncomfortable during the entire trip. Its going to be physically exhausting. It's going to be emotionally draining. But at the same time, I feel that God is going to speak on this trip. 

This process already has been hard for me. It's hard for me to ask people for money. It's hard for me to schedule in time for weekly team meetings. It's hard for me to have faith that everything is going to be alright. 

But then again, "you block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." 

Thanks Mary Morrissey.