AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!

After months and months of prayer and frustration, I have my answer.

This summer, I will be serving in Germany! Youth ministry!

God is fantastic. He answers our prayers in the oddest ways.

Thank you Jesus!

Dear World,

I miss you. Being stuck in my room with no one to talk to and no fresh air has gotten to my mind.  If I have to stay in this room all day tomorrow, someone is going to get hurt.

I know that I sound like a little boy going through puberty, but trust me, I feel sssooo much better. The swine has left my body and all that remains is a nasty, nasty cold. 

I promise world that once I am free from this room, I'll take our relationship a little more slow. Well, at least in the beginning. But there is so much to do you see. There is so to you, and there is only one of me. So please, be kind for the rest of the year. I can only handle so many colds, infected bug bites, and swine. 

 I will see you soon world...most likely tomorrow! And when we reunite, everyone will know. 

Love,

A Disgruntled Megan

The Time is Now

Today I listened to probably the most influential sermon in my entire life. And I mean ever. It was not the most profound. It did not leave me thinking and thinking about it for hours on end. And I don't exactly feel convicted. However, I feel like I am a changed woman. 

For once, the church actually talked about singleness and it's gift. 

For the past year or so I've had this yearning for a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend in my life...well...besides kindergarten. But anyway, while I love Simpson, being stuck for 8 months out of the year around Simpson couples left me thinking that I was missing something. So, for the past year I've had this huge longing for someone to spend my time with.

Last year was a huge mess in this department. There was a lot of boy drama in my life, and none of it ended well. Actually, it ended pretty awkwardly with God cracking up. I made a lot of mistakes...anyway, it was all bad.

But the entire time, I never realized that God has blessed me with the gift of singleness. The gift of being able to be devoted to God fully without having to worry about a man in my life. But never did I once praise God in my loneliness last year. Not once. 

But after today's sermon, after hearing Travis' encouraging words, I finally feel at peace. See, I've got to work on being Ms. Right before I can find my Mr. Right. And part of that is seeing that I have this chance to be devoted to God. And honestly, I'm tired of missing it. 

So now, I will praise God through the tears and the loneliness. I will stand with my arms in the air, praising God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I will praise God through my gift of singleness.

So Travis, I want to say thanks. Thanks for allowing God to speak in my life through you. The best choice that Simpson has made is hiring you. You rock! But most of all, thanks God for the severe butt-kickin'. You know how much I needed it.

Uh oh

Jesus once said that your "yes" should be "yes," and your "no" be "no."

But what happens when you want to do everything?

Yeah, now it's not so easy, is it?

Have You Seen....?

Today is 9/11. The dreaded day that we all stop (at least used to) and remember the people who died in the Twin Tower attack, and the the plane that crashed. 8 years ago, I didn't know what the twin towers were. I didn't know how my life would be impacted. I didn't know that in only 8 years people would forget. I was one of them. 

I woke up this morning totally self-absorbed. Focusing on only my classes and what the amazing prayer leader retreat this week (WHOOT!). I was focused on lunch. I was focused on packing. 

But then I remembered this past spring break. When I went to New York City on a mission trip. One of the things we did was take a prayer walk and we ended up at the 9/11 memorial site (it's in a little itty bitty church across the street from the site). Ironcially, it's survived like, three seriously building-destroying events. But whatever.

Anyway, today, as I sit here and right from way across the county, I remember. I remember the tears in my eyes as I walked past all the pictures and teddy bears and "have you seen" ads. I remember looking at the ads and sobbing with no shame. These were people who died. And all because they were in a building at the wrong place and the wrong time. People with brothers, sisters, uncles, grandmas, parents. People with stories. People who were selfish and people who were kind. People who lied and people who were honest. 

Then I remember something someone said to me. "I don't believe that firefighters are heroes, nor are cops. They gave up their lives, knowing what they were going into. So why are we honoring them so much?" And I can't help but think how wrong that person is. They ran into a building knowing they were most likely going to die. But they did it anyway.  Some did die, some are bruised up even 8 years later. Some might have lost a leg. Some were lying under rubble, waiting to die. Screaming for someone, anyone to come save them.

So today is a day to honor. Today is a day to say "thank you." You did everything you could, and it wasn't your fault for being unable to save that one person on that one floor who was trapped. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

And peace be with those lost someone. Who thought they would never have to put up an advertisement that started with "Have You Seen...."

A Simple Letter

Dear Jesus,

Take it. 

Take my desires

Take my passions, feelings, dreams, kindness, life, character, love for others, my impatience. 

Just take everything. 

It takes too much energy trying to do it by myself. Sides, it's more fun jumping off the cliff.

Love,

An carefree soul

On the Road Again...

Five paintings, four months, three loads of laundry (well, at least today), two maxi dresses and one Seattle trip, I am done with summer. 

I've gotten rid of 6-9 bags of clothes, and 4 bags of useless crap that was haunting my closet. I got rid of two bags of books that I will never/don't read anymore. I have rented countless books from the library, and I have written in journal. 

I've been to Santa Cruz, Modesto, San Francisco, Seattle, Chico, and Red Bluff. Tomorrow, I will be in Redding. I have been a passenger in a car, driven a car, rode BART (the Bay Area's Subway), and I've been on a plane. 

Rollar coasters, deep friend twinkies, and shopping have all happened. 

I have seen 7 movies in the theater. All of which I've liked. 

I've seen half the seasons of Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman, and remembered the good times. 

I found out that Lady Gaga is a man.

I have laughed, I have cried, I have farted, I have pooped. 

I have changed my appearance a little bit. Look a little different. 

I have gotten over some things that were hard to let go. I have learned how to move on. 

I have been unemployed, and currently have no money. 

Mostly, I have enjoyed myself. I have made some amazing memories with friends and family. And now, I will embark on a dangerous journey to land of Simpson. Where drugs, sex, and drinking are kept secret. Where people get amazed by God's daily goodness. Where we have a prayer room and freshman and wise seniors. 

And maybe, just maybe, I'll learn a thing or two.

Word Vomit: Jr. High Style

Why do people think it's always about them? Because I can tell you, it's not. It's not about you, or you. Hell, I don't even know what it's about. I just know what I'm feeling, and what sets me off and what doesn't. And now, every little thing sets me off. 

I've helped and I've helped and I have nothing to show for it. Not one thing. I know that's not very "Christian" of me to say, but it's true. So. Here are some things that I want to say to people. I've been wanting to say to people. But I don't have the heart to say it to their face. Because I can't stand it when people break other people's heart. 

Get over yourself. No one cares about what you think or how you feel about it. You're just some dumb bitch who feels like everyone should grovel at your feet. Well, this is one chick who isn't. 

One word: GO! Just go! Pick up your crap and get outta here. Don't keep complaining to me about stuff if you're not gonna get off your butt. You're an adult, act like one. I fully support you, but I'm not going too if you don't start acting like your age.

Stop calling me and expecting me to feel sorry for you. You're had a hard life, harder than most, but that's no excuse. It's time to move on. It's time for YOU to take control of your life.  You'll miss her, and that won't ever change, but take that pain and make it into something.

Why not me? Am I not good enough? Well guess what, I am. So I'm done with you. You're not worth my time. Go screw yourself.

I know you think life sucks at the moment. And it does. But life is what you make it. You may never get what you want. But do you think you would have made it to this point without that influence? Maybe that's what it was about. 

Clean up your damn house. God gave it to you. It's not right to allow those kids to live in filth. 

Keep your room clean! Seriously! It doesn't take a rocket scientist. You can do it. Instead of dropping shit on the floor,put it where it belongs. It's that simple. Make sure to throw away the trash. And once in a while, vacuum and dust. The secret? There isn't one!

We've had some good times, and some bad times. But you know what? The time is now. Stop lying to people and about people. You suck at lying. I never did understand why you lied so much.

I miss you guys. But in a strange way, I'm glad your gone.

I don't care about your boyfriend. Truth is, I'm jealous. Just plain jealous. But you need to be considerate while gushing about him. 

What gives me the right to slander everyone? I don't have a right. But here is a truth for all of you. When I say I'm fine, I'm ususally not. But that means I don't want to talk about it. I want to wallow in self pity. So just leave me be.

What About Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Summer Days

Things to Do Before School:

1. Get some last minute items from the store

2. Pack!

3. Laundry (x 3000)

4. Clean room (for the 20th time this summer)

5. Pack some more

6. Finish preparing Sunday School lessons

7. Read all my library books

8. Make dinner tomorrow

9. babysit here and there

10. Sell my books back to Half Price

11. Hang out with friends from home.

12. Send my FYE kids their letters. 

13. Get stuff I need for my Sunday School kids. 

The End!

I have about 2 1/2 weeks until I'm back at simpson. I was really excited, but I almost can't wait anymore. I was sitting here on my bed thinking that I haven't been around people who really love Jesus in a long time. Like, a really long time. I'm excited to get back to a school where we don't pass judgement on others. Where we make dinners and play honk-n-hide. 

Mostly, I'm excited to see my college family.

Finally!

After almost a year of practicing driving, and three years behind schedule, I got it! I passed my driving test and am now a proud, stereotypical, california driver! 

The best thing about it was apparently there are people who decide to stalk others during their test. The purpose is to gain insight so they are able to know what they will be tested on. So, the lady from the DMV got really pissed at them and made me pull alongside them. She then proceeds to inform them that what they are doing is illegal and she is going to report them to the Fremont police. Wow. How epic is that?

Oh, and I passed with 6 errors versus my brother had 7. I win!

My Prayer of the Summer

"Outstretched Hands"
By Starfield

Could I talk to You?
Are You listening?
Would You let me ask the questions
That burn inside of me?
I am reaching out
I am holding on
Feel like one of Your affections
But not quite like I belong
Like I belong

I am numb today
Everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny
Too little to be sure
Like a prodigal
Like a distant son
I can see You from a distance
But I'm too ashamed to come

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand, help me understand

I am scared to fall
Scared to carry on 
Am I losing to the cynic
After running for so long?
There's a child in me
Lost in mystery
But it's buried underneath the earth
Longing to be free

It's been a hard summer for me. Prayer has been huge. And I've seen how far God can bring me with a simple, little prayer. And whenever I find myself slipping out of His grasp and into the hands of worry, fear, doubt, and feelings of unworthiness, I listen to this song. Because God does see me through this valley. And He'll see me through the next, and the next, and the next. Because "while our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."- C.S. Lewis. May the Lord be with you.

Simplicity in a Simple Form

In my Spiritual Formation in the Church (not of the Church)

class, we were talking about simplicity. I forgot why or how, but we were. Anyway, my Professor mentioned that there was this guy who decided to live with only 100 items and challenges people to do the same. At the time I thought that was really cool, but it was too much of a sacrifice for me to do the same. 

Anyway, I pushed the thought out of my mind and forgot completely about it - until today that is. I'm currently reading a book by Shane Claiborne (Jesus for President...it has nothing to do with what I'm thinking but a good book nonetheless) and it suddenly struck me who he is again. He founded the Simple Way. So he could live in simplicity. 

So, I'm the bathroom re-learning about Exodus and God hearing the people's cry, and the thought of simplicity comes screaming into my head. And then the thought of the 100 items or less challenge conversation comes flooding back to me. 

And then I realize that I've been learning to trust God with my life and with money, so why not trust him with my possessions? 

So, next year, on campus, I'll only be living with 100 items. Now, I'm going to sorta cheat a little bit. Things that I cannot live without (i.e. hygiene items, food items, cleaning supplies, etc.) won't count. Second, my books won't count either because those are also a need. Third, if it is a collection (i.e. movies), or if I can fit it into one container, I  will count that as one thing. Other then that, it's limiting myself. 

Can I do it? Only time will tell. but I'm counting on God to provide me with my needs. And when I desire that shiny new toy, I'll be counting on God to satisfy my desires with the things I have. As Henry David Thoreau says "as you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness, weakness."

And All I Could Say Was, "Hello"

Lately I've been on a movie kick. I found out that I could watch movies online for free with Netflix, and I recently found momomesh. It's a website that I could watch movies for free anytime, any day. So naturally, I've been watching a bunch of movies that I've never seen before in my life. Some good, some not so great. Some scary, some sad, but most of them have been romances. 

I'm a girl. And with being a girl comes the desire to find a man whom I can spend my entire life with. Actually, last semester it was quite the obsession. However, besides watching movies consistently, I've been reading a ton as well. Some scary, some sad, but most of them have been romances (not the smutty kind).  For example, I read a book called Central Park. It's like Mansfield Park (by Jane Austen) but it has a more modern setting. I've also been reading books about dating and seeing how God fits the prospective boyfriend into my life.

My point is that last semester one of the major things I was dealing with was lonliness. I was in a dorm with 100 girls, and every night I would get this deep longing in my soul for someone to share my life with... in an intimate, romantic way. (I want to take this time to kick Satan in the butt for knowing exactly how to push my buttons.) 

But as I've been reading these books and watching these movies about falling in love, I've realized some things:

1) Being single is never a bad thing. It may feel like a bad thing, but instead of dwelling on the future, I should be allowing God to shape me into the "Proverbs 31 Woman" that I've always felt a call to become. 

2) Being single can be fun. I just have to let it. Also, I don't have to worry about missing that special someone during breaks. 

3) God is in control. He knows that what I want, and he's not going to let me settle for anything less. I just haven't met my special guy yet.

4) I have some growing up to do still. Plain and simple. But that's ok...I'm getting there.

5) I've realized this summer that I'm beautiful. I am, after all, created in His image. So thus, I am freakin' drop-dead hawt! (And all my fellow sisters out there better feel the same way about themselves).

6) And then, of course, my roommate last year told me day after day that God wants to be the one to hold me at night. If I can't learn to let Him hold me now when I need it the most, then how am I going to let him when I'm in a relationship?

7) Mostly though, I deserve a guy who loves others. Who is funny, sweet, caring, and holds the door open for me. I deserve someone who puts God before me, and understands when I put God before him. I deserve someone who makes me madder then anything and someone who makes me happier than a little kid is Christmas morning. I deserve someone who respects his mother (and the rest of his family). Someone who ask God day after day to break their heart for what breaks God's (as I do every morning). Someone who will spend time with me, but spend time with their friends as well. Someone who drops everything for me when I need help. Someone I can admire. Someone who understands me, and someone who I understand. Someone who gives up spending time with me to spend time with those who are hurting, and most important someone who gives up time with me to get time with God. Someone who...well...you get the picture.

Anyway, that really wasn't what I was going to write about...I got sidetracked. But my point is that God has given me peace about finding "Mr. Right." He's out there....I know he is. I don't feel that call to be single, I really don't. And he's out there. I've learned to be patient, and wait for him. I've also learned to pray for him. Sometimes my prayer is long. Sometimes it is short. But there is nothing like praying for your future spouse and asking God to protect them from Satan. It makes me tear up thinking about how I already closer to my future spouse because of it. 

So, you might ask me what was the inspiration for this blog? Well, I decided to watch Sleepless in Seattle for the first time. Mainly because I went to Seattle for the first week of summer and Sean, Jenni's friend, showed me the houseboat. But the movie starts in Seattle (well, it actually begins in Chicago... but whatever) and ends in New York City. I've been to Seattle and New York less than two months in between each other. Also, the movie is centered around the classic movie, An Affair To Remember. And I got that movie for my birthday. It was destiny for me to watch that movie... And with everything that I've been watching/reading about romance, it just feel together into this little blog.

God,

I want to thank you. I want to thank you for my passions and dreams. But mostly, my passion to have a husband. I know that he is out there somewhere, and God, I want to let you know that I'll be patiently waiting. But more than waiting, I will be praying. I will be praying that he stays safe, wherever he is, and whatever he's doing. I pray that you give him a strong spirit, and with that strong spirit, an ability to fight Satan. I pray that he allows you to further Your Kingdom through him. Father, I want to thank you for giving him passions and desires that only you can fulfill. But most of all, I pray that I become an amazing woman of You. And that this guy becomes an amazing man of You. So that we can be amazing to each other. 

Love, 

Megan

Because someone I've never met, someone I've never seen, someone I've never known, is the only someone for me. And you never know, he may be sleepless in Seattle. Sleepless at Simpson. Sleepless in New York, or heck, a different country. Or he may be sleeping...gosh, I hope he's not a morning person.  : )

It's For That Very Reason You Are

I love it when God shows himself. It doesn't matter how, but the fact that he takes the time to remind me about Him makes me freakishly happy. So, I've been reading Velvet Elvis, but Rob Bell. Awesome man. Awesome readings. But one of the things that struck out to me was when Bell talked about Moses. Moses was constantly arguing with God about choosing someone better.

Exodus 4:10

"But Moses pleaded with the Lord, "O Lord, I'm just not a good speaker, I never have been, and I'm not now, even after you have spoken to me. I'm clumsy with words." 

Basically, Moses stuttered. A lot of leaders in the church challenge their congregation with this classic bible story (among others) by saying that God doesn't care about your physical/mental disabilities; he just wants to use you. And while that is true, Bell pointed out something that I never thought about.

"Moses tries for two chapters to convince God that he has picked the wrong man, and God seems all the more convinced with each question that he has picked the right man." Whoa. When I read it I had to stop and seriously think about it. Bell is talking about questioning in this section. He names several other instances in the bible where people have questioned God. Questioning God isn't wrong, it isn't a sin. Heck, Bell even brings up Jesus on the cross. Jesus didn't die with acceptance. He died with a question "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" He didn't die saying "sure God, I'll die for you!" He died asking God. Pleading with God. Isn't that what we're supposed to do?

Bells point is "central to the Christian experience is the art of questioning God. Not belligerent, arrogant questions that have no respect for our maker, but naked, honest, vulnerable, raw questions, arising out of the awe that comes from engaging the living God."

Even after that thought processes, and wrestling through what Bell was saying,  I forgot about this until last night. 

Last night I was watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian with my brother. God was showing my things left and right about the movie. But the main thing that I was reminded of was this conversation: 

Aslan: Rise Kings and Queens of Narnia [everybody but Prince Caspian rises]. All of you.

Prince Caspian: I do not think I am ready.

Aslan: It is for that very reason I know you are.

As soon as watching that scene, I instantly thought of what Rob Bell was thinking. Questioning God (or in this case, Aslan) is about humbling yourself. It's about saying, "God, I don't think I'm ready for this, are you sure? If you're sure, then I'm in." It's not about asking stupid, ignorant questions.

It's about being Moses, Jesus, and Prince Caspian. "Moses pleaded with the Lord," "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" "I do not think I am ready."

It's for that very reason you are. 

I am a fan of prayer.

And with being a fan of prayer, they have awesome quotes that they put up. So, as it is 2:17am, here is my motivation for the morning/night:

Faith is no irresponsible shot in the dark. It is a responsible trust in God, who knows the desires of your hearts, the dreams you are given, and the goals you have set. He will guide your paths right. -- Robert Schuller --

Classes Classes Everywhere and Not a Spot to Think

Here's my (hopefully) final class schedule this next fall:

Mon, Wed, Fri

8am-9am- Intro to Biology

9:02-9:08- Scheduled poop (not a class, but very important indeed)

9:10am-10:10am- Hermeneutics 

10:20am-11:20am- FYE or Chapel... depending on the day

12:40-1:40- Youth Min 1

4:10-5:10- Intro to Lit

Tues/Thurs

9:40-11:10- Ministry to Adults (Griffin class....holla!)

11:20-1:50- Biology Lab (Thurs only)

4:20-5:50- Leadership class (First Tues every month)

Yup. So, mon, wed, fri's are going to the worst, but oh well. 

Ephesians 3:14-18

My prayer for the wonderful women on my floor next year in good ole Morgan:

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 

This prayer will be hanging in my room next year. A reminder to myself, a reminder to the girls whom God will be giving me and Jenni to pray over. A reminder of His unfailing strength and love. 

May the Lord be with you

The Kingdom of God...

So, since its summer, I'm thinking about pretty much nothing. Actually, I've been a little down in the dumps because I don't have a job. But, Alanna is finally done with finals and is coming home on Saturday, I'm making dinner tonight (rosemary lemon chicken and roasted potatoes...yum!), and I'm job hunting tomorrow! 

I told Jenni that I was going to just work at the GAP (the store that my bro is the assistant manager to), but after really thinking hard on it, and praying about it....I'm not sure if that's where is God is leading me. So, if I get a job, great. If not, then God is in control and he will provide. I think that in some ways, looking for a job has turned me into Jonah again. I'm using my job hunt as an excuse to not spend time with God, and to not trust God. But no longer. This summer was supposed to be a summer of growth and prayer and family. Instead it's been consumed by bad attitudes and sickness and unemployment. But no longer. Besides, I still have 14 weeks and 6 days left of summer. (Translation: about 3 1/2 months)

The Kingdom of God

The Kingdom of God is justice and peace

And joy, in the Holy Spirit

Come Lord, and open in us, the gates of your kingdom

I will forever be grateful that Mark Carter taught us that song in chapel....

I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder when my turn is going to happen....

Summer sucks. Jobless, friendless, laziness.

Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever...

Only I don't have a fever. I am however, sick. Now, since it's summer and I don't have a job, I'm on Facebook a lot. And I've noticed that a lot of other Simpson people are sick as well. Hmm...Simpson Plague while we're all on break? Who would've thought it was possible?

So...it's been about two weeks of my four month summer break, and I'm itching to go back to Redding already. That's pretty much been my thought process this entire break. I wake up in the morning wishing that I was still at school, having to go to classes and such. However, I have to get over it. As much as I don't like it, I'm in the Bay Area for my summer break, and I'm going to make the most of it. 

At least, that's what I decided when I was at school thinking about summer. Now, I've been doing the same old thing since I got home. Looking for jobs (pretty much on my mind 24/7), reading a ton, and watching TV.  Even though I'm really tired of it, I've actually been reading the book that my life group was supposed to be reading (The Power of a Praying Woman), and it's been pretty good. One of the chapters is about God's calling on your life, and how you have to give up your dreams sometimes to let God work in your life.

Wow. If only I actually read at the beginning of last semester, it would have helped. I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought, but you know, whatever. Anyway, it was good stuff. I never really thought that I was giving up dreams to go with God's plan for me, but I totally have been. I gave up my "dream" of going to grad school, I gave up my dream of getting a psych degree. I gave up my dream of having a peaceful spring break. 

So my plans for summer, going to school, getting a full time job. Those I'm giving up as well. I'm still going to be getting a job (I hope), but I told God that I didn't want a job if it meant risking my relationship with him. Let me explain, last summer I was going to school part time and working like, 50 hours a week. My relationship with God suffered a lot, and I mean a lot. So, I've had some worries and conversations with God about that. I told God that if a job I was applying for was going to take away my focus from him to that job, I didn't want it. 

Needless to say, I still don't have a job, LoL. I do, however, have more time to paint and read my bible (only two things I do as an act of worship). Way to go God! Now if he would ust answer my prayer for a man...haha. Just kidding...sort of! Anyway, I'm excited to start praying for my floor this next year. I'm on first floor Morgan again (same room). However, I'm rooming with Jenni! That's scary and exciting at the same time. I'm also going to be an FYE leader, and I'm on the blog team for Simpson next year. So I have that to look forward too. 

I love blogging...it helps pass the time away, and it's fun! 

Just Click Your Heels Three Times....

I wish that worked. As much as I enjoy, and love, my family, I wish I could be in Redding right at this moment. Sure, it's nice to have fun with my parents, eat real food, and be able to read a book without it relating to homework. But Redding is my home, like I've mentioned before. 

Now that I'm done ranting, I must say I did have a good week last week. It started right after graduation with me and Jenni driving off campus to the song "Here we Go" by N*sync. It ended with me landing in Oakland, CA thirty minutes late than I was supposed to.  

My two favorite things about Seattle were Pike Place Market (including the first Startbucks...oh my gosh), and the Pacific Science Center. Pike Place is kinda like Fisherman's Wharf, but with the best corn dogs known to man. And the science center is amazing with it's giant table and chairs and shadow wall.  But the best part ever, was Janelle came to join us! At first it was going to be just me and Jenni, but Jenelle ended up randomly coming.

So, that has been my break thus far. I've finished my fourth book of my summer, and have a huge chunk to go! I'm actually hoping to get my "Christian-read" on. I'm hitting up Rob Bell, Shane Claibourne, Dallas Williard, Beth Moore, and many others. What does God have to say about becoming a leader? Prayer? Lies? 

Despite my feelings of wanting to go home, I'm making the most of this summer. I was going to take a summer class, but its already filled up, with ten on the waiting list. So I'm taking that as a sign of God wanting me to take a summer to chill and work on my character. I do have to get a job, however....hopefully I get one. 

One season ends, and another begins. Two roads, and only one I can take. '

"The Road Not Taken"

By Robert Frost

"...I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- 
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Praise Jesus!

School is done! 

Graduation is tomorrow!

I am officially a junior, an FYE leader, a prayer leader, AND on the Simpson Blog team for next fall!

Most importantly, Seattle is tomorrow....

God is amazing. Without his strength, I wouldn't have gotten through anything this semester!

I'm Just a Summer Girl....

That so isn't true. I've always hated summer for the fact that it's hot. Sure, you get school off, but seriously? Four months? Of doing nothing but sitting on my butt? Sweating like a pig? Watching movies all day?

Winter break was enough for me. Three weeks. Laying around the house. It got to the point where all I would say is "I want to go home!" How am I going to survive summer? I'm going to be doing the same thing again as last summer. Work, school (online this time), work, work, work! The amazing news is that I get to come back August 27th! Whoohoo! 

I guess it's hard to go home because I currently don't have a church. There's no life group. And 96% of the Bay Area is unchurched. So everything that God has revealed to me (i.e. brining heaven to earth), is going to be tested this summer. 

But it's not even that. All my college friends are spread out. Jenni is in Seattle, Rachel is in Oregon, and Carlye is Napa. Who knows where Laura is going to be...and that's just the start. 

Dang Simpson. It truly has become my home. Redding has become my home. Fremont has become my parents home. New York has become my future home. Simpson has become my home because of random events that happened like Saturday night worship (which was the inspiration of my last blog). 

To make this post even more random, let's talk about that. So, God totally revealed Revelation 3:20 to me:

"Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends."

This verse has been my life this past semester. I've resisted God, but I finally heard His voice and answered. And not only that, but I've ate tons of meals with Him. Haha, in my journal I actually wrote that God and I need to have another meal together soon...and then tonight at church we have communion! Crazy!

On a lighter note, I'm going to Seattle in less than a week! Yippee! It's just me and Jenni going now, but I'm still excited. Speaking of excitement, I GOT CHEESE WHIZ!!!! That stuff is freakin' amazing. Cheese in a can, who would've thunk? I thank God everyday for people who invent unhealthy, but amazing tasty, food. Well, I guess I should study for finals...we have free food in about an hour.

I Am Hungry...

I love the feeling of being hungry for God. Most importantly, I love the feeling of being hungry for God in a room where there are others with the same hunger. 

But I love that God's love is enough to feed everybody...with more to spare. It's kinda like wild animals in Africa at a watering hole. Everybody is doing their own thing, but they join together to drink up the good stuff. But, unless the watering hole is at it's end, there's plenty to go around. 

It's so like that with God. Except He never has dried up, he never will dry up, and he never leaves us completely empty. And then once we leave from his presence (I never understood that line because you can't leave God...he's always there. But you get what I'm trying to say), we get to be the watering hole for those who don't know him.

And then the cycle continues. 

God Just Won't Leave Me Alone....

It all started last semester. This was the semester that I was actually required to spend some time each day in practicing spiritual disciplines for a class. So, instead of the doing same old stuff everyday (similar prayer, same amount of time spent with Him each day), I had to actually meditate and let the Holy Spirit come into my life. 

That was the best four months of my life. Growth was happening, relationship was forming. It was good. God was speaking to me through his word. Ah, that's the most amazing thing. Who knew that a little change in one's schedule could change one's life. 

Anyway, the last lesson that I taught my 4th-5th graders at church, before winter break,  was based on Luke 7. The story of when Jesus went into someone's house to eat and they wouldn't wash his feet. But then a woman came along, and used her expensive perfume and tears to wash his feet. I left Simpson for Christmas break with this verse in my head: "then she knelt behind Him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them." 

This verse was on my mind for entire break. It's not even that exciting of a verse. It's kinda depressing. It's about a sinful woman crying about her sins. Crying out in desperation to God. 

And somehow, it became my theme verse, even though it's random.

See, I didn't know what this semester was going to hold for me. I knew that I was going to New York, but other than that, I had no idea. I didn't know that I was going to apply, and get, the job as a FYE leader for next year. I didn't know that I'd struggle with trusting God. I certainly didn't know that I was going to be asked to be a prayer leader. 

So now that I'm done rambling, I'll actually explain what I mean by saying that God won't leave me alone. 

New York was the best experience of my life. Like, it was freakin' amazing. God was everywhere I went, and I was ok with that. It was a mission's trip. That's what supposed to happen. But as I worshipping at church, I became homesick. And not like the "I want to go home so that I can get free food" homesick. The type of homesick where you tear up at the thought of going home. The type of homesick that keeps you up at night. The type of homesick that going home is all you think about, and even God gets pushed from your mind. 

I was also thinking about boys, but that's not the point. 

Anyway, so there I was, internally a mess, with no one to talk to. No one to listen or understand. And then I got that weird feeling. Now, God has never spoken to me verbally. However, God does like to give me this weird feeling. And it doesn't go away until I figure out what it is, and act on it. 

So here I am, with Satan attacking me with thoughts about boys, and feelings of not wanting to be there, and God pushing my buttons at the same time. 

Yay for spiritual warfare. 

Getting to the point, I realized what I was homesick. No mom, I'm not sick for home. Hell, I don't even want to go home for summer. But I'm homesick for New York. Like, I want to be on the Subway, going to my next ministry site homesick. The "God-isn't-done-with-New-York-in- my-life" type of homesick. The worst type of homesick ever imagined. This is the homesick that makes you want to sob because you miss the smells, sites, taste, and feeling of someplace. 

So, as Dan is preaching about heaven, I can't get this thought out of my head. I am not done with New York. BAM! Instantly the pounding feeling inside of my gut was gone. I am not done with New York. I'm supposed to bring to heaven to earth in New York.  I don't believe that I'm supposed to live in New York for the rest of my life, but God is not done with me there. 

So, for once in my life, I realized that God really does want to be a part of my life. And that feeling, that longing for him, came back. And I actually went forward for prayer. In church. Something that I have never done. Because I want his spirit pouring in me and out of me. 

Obsession

by David Crowder Band

What can I do with my obsession?

With the things I cannot see

Is there madness in my being

Is it the wind that moves the trees?

Sometimes you're further than the moon

Sometimes you're closer than my skin

And you surround me like a winter fog

You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You

And my heart burns for You

And I'm so filthy with my sin

I carry pride like a disease

You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and I'm longing to be close

You burn me deeper than I know

And I feel lonely without hope

And I feel desperate without vision

You wrap around me like a winter coat

You come and free me like a bird

My love burns for You

And my heart feels for You

My life good for You

All I have burns for you

My love burns for you

And my heart burns for you

And my heart burns for you

And my love for you, my heart for you

My life for you, all I have for you

My love for you, my heart for you

My life for you, all I have for you

Who Says I Never Liked Change?

As a kid, I hated change. It got to the point to where I always did the same thing every year...just because I hate change. So of course, when I began to hate psychology, I decided to stick with it. Just because I hate change. 

Yeah, that didn't work out so well. I guess a part of growing up is being ok with change. That's not something I'm comfortable with. So, to take the big step of change (because I am, after all "grown-up") I decided to go on a missions trip to New York. 

.....

big mistake. But the best one I ever made. 

Change comes with trusting God. Again, something that I'm not good with. Trusting God usually involves stepping out of the comfort zone. Something that I really suck at. So, needless to say, New York was a huge deal to me. 

Even though I was out of my comfort zone, I was in God's comfort zone. And that was good enough for me. My grandma asked me if I felt safe. She was actually shocked when I said that I felt perfectly safe the entire time. Honestly, I surprised myself saying that. But it was the truth. Why? Well, simply put, God isn't done with me. And somehow I knew that. 

My team leader, who is freakin' amazing, had some worries. Actually, it seemed like she constantly worried about something. That's usually me. I'm worried about an assignment, or how a friend is doing. But this trip, all my worries were gone. What was different? 

The difference was that I began trusting God. I began to see God in the small things of my life for the very first time. Talk about childlike faith. It was the best experience of my life. I saw God in the people I passed. I saw God in the 9/11 memorial that we visited. I saw God in the different nations flags at the U.N. Most of all, I saw God when I looked at myself. 

That's pretty huge. 

I know I sound full of myself, but it's true. For once, when I looked in the mirror I wasn't focused on my makeup or my frizzy, curly hair. I looked at myself and saw God radiating through me. I saw all the prayers that people have prayed over me shine out. I saw in myself for the first time. 

And that was the week I became ok with change. 

So, in one week, I have decided to change my major. I am no longer Megan, a psychology major with a youth ministry minor at Simpson University. I Megan, a general ministry major with a youth ministry minor. I still have no idea where God is leading me, but I'm ok with that. 

Because I'm in His comfort zone, not mine. 

I am Jonah...

I am Jonah....

But I am not ashamed about it. 

I leave for New York in 45 minutes. I am running to God instead of running away. Today, a dear friend, no, a sister in Christ, prayed over me. And everything that I have feared about this trip was spoken. A fear of the burdens placed upon my heart. A fear of the trip in general. My dear sister spoke words of truth over me. 

Did I mention I hate prayer? I'm not an emotional person, but somehow, prayer always changes that. I hate prayer, and I love it with everything I've got...all at the same time.  One thing that confuses me about prayer is how two words seem to keep popping up in my life...but what do they mean? Honesty and joy have been coming up a lot lately. Why? 

New York, you better watch out. Because I'm coming. And with God on my side, there is nothing but beauty in that. 

Lying Awake....

4 days left until New York....

I can't sleep. 

So, I find a poem about sleepless nights online....

.....

Good stuff.

Sleepless Night 

By Tiziano Thomas Dossena

A sleepless night

Spent struggling 

Through the meanders of my mind

In endless explorations. 

Innumerable considerations

Scattered around

As stars in the sky

None with enough light

Of its own

But adaptable

In their interconnection

To show me the way.

The harmony of the universe 

Confined for a moment

In the boundaries of my head

Explodes in its beauty.

The thirst for knowledge

Has kneeled 

At my need of sensations. 

Bittersweet memories

Erase all the powerful thoughts

Leaving a proven soul

Sighing in an exhausted body.

The dread of the night 

Has subsided

And a sudden warmth

Has overtaken me.

While the first sunbeam

Sneaks through the window

I remember how to sleep.

New York Here I Come!

I leave for New York in less than a week. I'm excited, terrified, nervous, and who knows what else. None of my close friends are coming with me; I applied as a step of faith. A step of telling God that I trust Him (no matter what happens in my life). A step of walking out of my own personal comfort zone. A step of breaking free from my family. 

When I applied, I was confident. Now, not so much. I'm scared. I'm most likely going to be uncomfortable during the entire trip. Its going to be physically exhausting. It's going to be emotionally draining. But at the same time, I feel that God is going to speak on this trip. 

This process already has been hard for me. It's hard for me to ask people for money. It's hard for me to schedule in time for weekly team meetings. It's hard for me to have faith that everything is going to be alright. 

But then again, "you block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." 

Thanks Mary Morrissey.